Monthly Archives: November 2011
Well, here’s the part where I get to put my foot in my mouth.
About not being romantically compatible with someone significantly older than me, that is.
Last Friday, I went out to OB’s place, with the intention of staying there until roughly noon on Saturday. We wound up having such a great time together that I stayed until Sunday evening.
Can I take just a moment to praise amazing butches, y’all? Yes? Good.
I’ve never met anyone quite like OB. She’s just… incredibly down-to-earth, kind, and genuine. And on top of that, she’s amazing about things like consent, boundaries, and listening – – better than anyone I’ve ever been with, in any context. I won’t go into detail, because I could easily devote a blog entry to my feelings about the subject, but I will just say that this is a major change of pace from my last relationship.
A change of pace that I desperately needed.
Only time will tell where this thing is headed. At this point, we’re just dating and taking it a day at a time.
All I know is that I sincerely hope that OB will be in my life for a long time to come, whether as a friend, a lover, or anything else.
So, I wound up going on my first date with a butch a couple of weeks ago.
Backstory: I met an older butch (who will henceforth be referred to as OB) at a club a few weeks ago. We both seemed to notice each other, and, long story short, she gave me her number before leaving with a friend. I was both very caught off guard and flattered; I’ve always been under the impression that there’s a lot more butch-on-butch homophobia within the older lesbian community. Anyways, we wound up texting back and forth, and I was upfront with her about my recent breakup and consequential lack of readiness for anything serious.
So, she wound up asking me to dinner, and I said yes. I’m so glad I did, because I had a really great time with her. I did realize that I didn’t feel romantically compatible with someone that much older than me, but we still had a really nice dinner. She’s hilarious and down to earth and just very, very fun to be around. I really enjoy her company, and I think we’re going to be good friends for some time to come.
I must say, that date was remarkably validating in terms of solidifying my attraction to butches. Sometimes I forget how much little gender play or power play things can affect me. I found it really hot that she was taking me out– paying for dinner and all that. As someone who has really only dated femmes before, this was a new experience for me. And even though the romantic compatibility factor wasn’t there, the dynamics of that date were hot. Like, I-couldn’t-stop-thinking-about-it-for-days hot.
All I could think of afterwards is “Shit, how could it have possibly taken me this long to figure out that this is what I’m into?”
I had top surgery in May. I’m not male identified, I’m just a butch who struggled with gender dysphoria. If you want more discussion of my experience with top surgery, you’re welcome to check out my Tumblr.
Due to a recent breakup, I’m not ready to get back into the dating scene yet. When I do, however, I’m not entirely sure how to handle the issue of disclosure. I’m not really sure when I should disclose, or how. Do I say outright “Oh, and by the way, I’ve had top surgery” or something simpler like “Just fyi, I’m pretty flat-chested. Hope that’s not a problem!”? I just don’t know.
One of the biggest insecurities I’ve had to battle over the years is the fear that I will just be too complicated for anyone, that I’m just always going to be too butch, too genderqueer, too feminist, too involved in social justice issues, etc. It’s a fear that no one will ever really appreciate qualities that I hold near and dear to my heart– a fear that, at best, they will just tolerate them.
And you know what? I don’t fucking want tolerance. I can accept tolerance from my parents, who I know may just never evolve past that point. But not in a partner. Not in someone who’s supposed to love me for who I am, not in spite of it.
So, here’s my public proclamation to accept nothing short of the appreciation I deserve from this point forward.