Developments with OB: Installment 2

Well, here’s the part where I get to put my foot in my mouth.

About not being romantically compatible with someone significantly older than me, that is.

Last Friday, I went out to OB’s place, with the intention of staying there until roughly noon on Saturday. We wound up having such a great time together that I stayed until Sunday evening.

Can I take just a moment to praise amazing butches, y’all? Yes? Good.

I’ve never met anyone quite like OB. She’s just… incredibly down-to-earth, kind, and genuine. And on top of that, she’s amazing about things like consent, boundaries, and listening – – better than anyone I’ve ever been with, in any context. I won’t go into detail, because I could easily devote a blog entry to my feelings about the subject, but I will just say that this is a major change of pace from my last relationship.

A change of pace that I desperately needed.

Only time will tell where this thing is headed.  At this point, we’re just dating and taking it a day at a time.

All I know is that I sincerely hope that OB will be in my life for a long time to come, whether as a friend, a lover, or anything else.

Developments with OB: Installment 1

Alright, you guys.

Full disclosure: this is not going to be a particularly well-written or coherent entry.  Not because I’m under the influence of anything, but because I can’t help but be ridiculously preoccupied with a new development in my life: the prospect of a friends with benefits arrangement with OB.

OB and I have been talking via facebook messages for the last couple of weeks, and agreed that there’s definitely an attraction there.  The age difference is too much for me in terms of pursuing something romantic, and I’ve been upfront with her about that, and she’s totally cool with that.  It’s been a huge relief to me to talk to someone who’s just so remarkably straightforward and honest about things.  As a result, we’ve been able to talk really openly about our boundaries, comfort levels, and thoughts about where all of this is going.  It turns out that neither of us is looking for anything serious, and we’re both comfortable with the idea of having a FWB arrangement, as long as we can both agree to continue to communicate often and honestly about what we’re feeling as we go along.

Okay.  I’ve been decently coherent up to this point, but that’s gonna end riiiight arooound…. here.

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS.  The only thing I have been thinking about since this was established is OB pushing me up against a wall and kissing me.

Like… seriously, I feel like I am 15, trying to deal with my first crush.  I can’t. stop. thinking. about. it.



This is just getting ridiculous.

I was sitting in a coffee shop tonight, working on some physiology homework.  I was scanning over paragraphs in the book, trying to find something in particular, when I realized I was smirking and biting my lip… and not taking in a single word I was reading.  WOOPS, NOT THINKING ABOUT KIDNEYS. STILL THINKING ABOUT MAKING OUT WITH OB.

Shit.

I have been like this all week.  What happened to my calm and reserved nature?!

Anyways…we’re going to get together this weekend.  I’m really hoping that something happens.

Because seriously, guys, if it doesn’t… I don’t know how I’m ever going to get anything done again.

First Foray Into Dating Butches

So, I wound up going on my first date with a butch a couple of weeks ago.

Backstory:  I met an older butch (who will henceforth be referred to as OB) at a club a few weeks ago.  We both seemed to notice each other, and, long story short, she gave me her number before leaving with a friend.  I was both very caught off guard and flattered; I’ve always been under the impression that there’s a lot more butch-on-butch homophobia within the older lesbian community.  Anyways, we wound up texting back and forth, and I was upfront with her about my recent breakup and consequential lack of readiness for anything serious.

So, she wound up asking me to dinner, and I said yes.  I’m so glad I did, because I had a really great time with her.  I did realize that I didn’t feel romantically compatible with someone that much older than me, but we still had a really nice dinner. She’s hilarious and down to earth and just very, very fun to be around.  I really enjoy her company, and I think we’re going to be good friends for some time to come.

I must say, that date was remarkably validating in terms of solidifying my attraction to butches.  Sometimes I forget how much little gender play or power play things can affect me.  I found it really hot that she was taking me out– paying for dinner and all that.  As someone who has really only dated femmes before, this was a new experience for me.  And even though the romantic compatibility factor wasn’t there, the dynamics of that date were hot.  Like, I-couldn’t-stop-thinking-about-it-for-days hot.

All I could think of afterwards is “Shit, how could it have possibly taken me this long to figure out that this is what I’m into?”

Coming Out to Myself as a Butch Fag

(Full disclosure: I’m borrowing a fair amount of this entry from a similar one I posted on my Tumblr.)

For the sake of brevity, I’m going to use “butch*” to mean butches, bois, studs, dykes, genderqueers, genderfucks,  etc.  I do not, by any means, think these identities are the same (though of course they can overlap!), I am just attracted to the masculinity in all of them.

Note: This entry contains talk of porn, top/bottom dynamics, stone butch identity, and penetration.  If you’re down with that, then read on, my friend. Read on.

Top Surgery, Disclosure, Dating

I had top surgery in May.  I’m not male identified, I’m just a butch who struggled with gender dysphoria.  If you want more discussion of my experience with top surgery, you’re welcome to check out my Tumblr.

Due to a recent breakup, I’m not ready to get back into the dating scene yet.  When I do, however, I’m not entirely sure how to handle the issue of disclosure.  I’m not really sure when I should disclose, or how.  Do I say outright “Oh, and by the way, I’ve had top surgery” or something simpler like “Just fyi, I’m pretty flat-chested. Hope that’s not a problem!”?  I just don’t know.

One of the biggest insecurities I’ve had to battle over the years is the fear that I will just be too complicated for anyone, that I’m just always going to be too butch, too genderqueer, too feminist, too involved in social justice issues, etc.  It’s a fear that no one will ever really appreciate qualities that I hold near and dear to my heart– a fear that, at best, they will just tolerate them.

And you know what?  I don’t fucking want tolerance.  I can accept tolerance from my parents, who I know may just never evolve past that point.  But not in a partner.  Not in someone who’s supposed to love me for who I am, not in spite of it.

So, here’s my public proclamation to accept nothing short of the appreciation I deserve from this point forward.

An Introduction

I’m starting this blog because I need a safe space to explore my newly-realized attraction to butches, studs, tomboys, androgynous dykes, and similarly identified folks.  I realize that these identifiers are by no means synonymous, though they can of course overlap; they just all describe a kind of person I’m into.  My current plan is to fill this blog with my thoughts on the butch/butch dynamic and my experiences in the butch/butch dating world.

I guess I’ll start by breaking down how I identify and the kind of people I’m interested in.

My Gender Identity

I identify as butch.  As far as I’m concerned, butch is my gender.  That being said, calling me a female-identified butch wouldn’t exactly be inaccurate, either.  I don’t really identify with the word “woman” at all, for various reasons that I may go into at another time, but I’m pretty comfortable with the identifier “female”.  I have a bit of a genderqueer streak as well, though my relationship with the word “genderqueer” has been changing and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll use it to describe myself.  Basically, I use that word to reflect the gender dysphoria that I’ve struggled with in my lifetime.  To that end, I suppose I might as well mention that I’m a butch who has had top surgery.

My Sexual Identity

Sexually, I identify as a butch bottom and a butch submissive.  At the moment, I’m very fond of the butch boi identity, which I’m defining (for myself) as being a butch fag who’s into dominant butches.

My Sexual Orientation

I would say that, sexually, I’m open to being involved with a lot of different kinds of non-male-identified people.  In the (recent) past, I have almost exclusively been a (stone) butch top to a femme bottom.  While I still appreciate that dynamic and am certainly not opposed to being involved in it again, it’s not really what I’m looking for presently.  Right now I’m a bit preoccupied with finding a butch top/dom.  That being said, I still consider myself sexually interested in everything from high femmes to stone butches; it really just depends on the person.

My Romantic Orientation

After a lot of introspection, I’ve come to realize that what I’m looking for in a partner, gender-identity-wise, is pretty specific.  At the end of the day, I want to come home to a butch.  A butch who is dominant and/or aggressive, a butch who enjoys taking me out, a butch who wants to hold me. That’s just what sounds right to me, what feels right to me.

 

It’s a little distressing to know that butch-on-butch dynamics are so often looked down upon.  It’s hard to find others out there who appreciate the dynamic, even as friends. I guess it leaves me with only one choice: to carve out a space for myself.

So here I am.