Coming Out to Myself as a Butch Fag

(Full disclosure: I’m borrowing a fair amount of this entry from a similar one I posted on my Tumblr.)

For the sake of brevity, I’m going to use “butch*” to mean butches, bois, studs, dykes, genderqueers, genderfucks,  etc.  I do not, by any means, think these identities are the same (though of course they can overlap!), I am just attracted to the masculinity in all of them.

Note: This entry contains talk of porn, top/bottom dynamics, stone butch identity, and penetration.  If you’re down with that, then read on, my friend. Read on.

I guess I might as well start at the beginning.

For some time, I had been trying to figure out why I like gay male porn so much more than lesbian or straight porn (to be fair, I never pay for porn, so my access to awesome, queer-positive lesbian porn is nonexistent).  During my top surgery recovery period, when I had nothing else to do, I found myself looking at quite a bit of it.  Specifically, the kind with fairly androgynous, non-hairy guys. It didn’t bother me that I liked it, but it did confuse me a bit.  It made me pick my brain, trying to figure out what exactly it was about gay porn that struck a chord with me, with my sexuality.

And then it hit me: it was seeing two masculine people together that got me.  I was interested in it because it was the closest thing to butch*-on-butch* sex that I could find.  This revelation had something of a cascading effect, bringing all sorts of long-lost feelings to the surface.

It forced me to come face to face with a part of me that I had ignored, if not suppressed, for a really, really long time.  The part of me that was really attracted to masculine, dominant butches*.

It was the part of me that still struggled with internalized misogyny and homophobia.  It was the part of me that refused to acknowledge that I might be a sub and a bottom, because I couldn’t stand the idea of outsiders seeing me as “the girl” in a relationship.  Before top surgery, my fear of being seen that way triggered so much dysphoria that I just couldn’t deal with it.  I know, and knew, of course, that there is no “boy” and “girl” in a lesbian relationship, but I still couldn’t deal with people outside the queer community categorizing me that way.  I just couldn’t.  Not after I had fought so fucking hard to have my masculinity and my butchness recognized.

I just wasn’t in a place where I could deal with all of those feelings, so I suppressed them instead, often not even realizing that I was doing so.  I had also convinced myself that my stone butch identity completely precluded me from ever being a bottom.  In other words, I found all sorts of ways to rationalize my refusal to acknowledge that I might be a butch fag bottom.

And then… surgery happened.  All of that dysphoria, that was once so relentless and unforgiving, faded into the background of my life.  Things changed.  My self-confidence drastically increased, as did my sense of peace with who I am as a person.  My masculinity no longer felt threatened by the idea of being submissive and a bottom.  My masculinity just became more… organic, more intrinsic, more solidified.

Suddenly, the idea of being a butch bottom wasn’t so threatening after all.

Surgery also changed my sexual relationship with my body, and I found myself identifying with the stone butch identity less and less as time passed.  This opened up a whole new world for me, in terms of exploring my sexuality. Granted, penetration is still a bit of a complicated subject for me, but I’ve been very happy (and relieved, honestly) to discover that there are ways in which I can enjoy it.

And those ways definitely involve a butch* top.

Now, at face value, all of these revelations were just about my sexuality.  And it seemed like that was that, at first.  In fact, I even brought these things up with my girlfriend at the time, a wonderful femme woman (we had always been very open about these things, something I cherished about our relationship).   But as time progressed and that relationship ended, I realized that there was more to my interest in butches than the desire to try something new sexually.  I realized that, when it came down to it, I’m kind of just a “butchfag bottom at heart”, if you will.   That is, the idea of being taken out and romanced by a butch* makes my heart skip a beat.  The idea of being held by a butch makes my heart do things that I thought it stopped doing back in middle school.  When it comes down to it, I realize that it’s what I’ve always really wanted.

It just took me a hell of a long time to figure it out.

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About butchonbutch

A 20-something year old butch who has recently come to terms with their attraction to other butches (and studs and tomboys and androgynous dykes). I'll be discussing my experiences in the world of butch on butch dating, love, and sex. If you want to know more about me, click the "About" tab at the top of the page.

Posted on November 7, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. Congratulations on your new self-identity!

  2. Hey I’m so excited to find you’re blog! I can’t wait to read more 🙂 it’s amazing how our identities can clarify over time as we uncover deeper truths about ourselves!

    • Ah, it means so much to me to hear that, thank you!! 🙂 I was afraid that this blog wouldn’t really appeal to anyone and I would wind up with zero readers, ha. And yeah, it really is remarkable!

  3. I found your blog via butchwonders and as a female-identified boi who likes butches, it makes me happy. 🙂

  4. Congrats of finding peace with your sense of self and fulfillment in embracing your true self. always a winding road to get to that place then the adventure of continuing to evolve.

    as one of the older butches, you are correct that butch on butch hasn’t always been embraced by our communities. sad but true. it still confuses my friends when they find out that my main attraction is to other butches. to each their own, eh?

    anyway, I do have a question about the choice of wording of being a butch fag bottom. I am well aware of what all three of those words mean on their own as well as any combination of two. but the three together…?
    not even defined in urban dictionary so perhaps after you educate me, you can add a definition there for any others who might identify as such.

    I enjoy your blog and hope that you continue blogging your unfolding journey.

    • Hey there. Thanks for your thoughtful and kind comment!

      By “butch fag bottom” I really just mean a butch fag who happens to also be a bottom/a submissive. Of course one doesn’t have to be a bottom or a top–plenty of switches out there! I just happen to be a bottom, myself, and specifically seeking a top. 🙂

      I hope that clears that up. If not, please let me know and I’ll try to clarify further.

  5. Thank you! It’s incredibly helpful for me to have your words as a resource; I really identify with what you wrote, and now I feel less crazy for feeling this way. It’s a huge relief and explains a lot of things for me.

  6. Another butch fag (switch) here, delighted to find your blog and evidence of other masculine women attracted to the same. Butch fags unite! It’s lonely out there and I have been known to invoke the phrase “the last unicorn” on occasion. Indescribably glad to find another faggy butch unicorn. 😀

    • I’m glad that you found me, too! 🙂 It’s a shame we seem to be such a rare breed.
      You should check out the Bois 4 Bois group on facebook, if you haven’t already.

  7. i have been a soft butch and it has been dificult to find butches that want to be with someone who has butch looks and tendencies its getting easier as time progresses we arent stuck in the age where femme and butch is the trend i have always seen things as this is what your attracked to butch butch femme femme and so forth. i love a butch lover i love a dominant partner in the sheets im a soft lover on the streets i have a hard exterior.

  8. Hi, I just love your article. I have only been “out” for a year or so now, and I have found it very hard to find partners due to my attraction of same/same, butch/butch type love.

    Because I am attracted to very few women who fit my ideal, I pretty much refrain from the dating scene. I have zero sexual chemistry with femme lesbians, yet if I see a toned, inked butch walk my way, I begin to get butterflies.

    I don’t really care what anyone thinks of my love choices, so that is not even a consideration for me. It just saddens me to think that there are shallow women out there, who for whatever hang up of their own, can’t have enough maturity and respect for a fellow female, and to just accept people for who they are. I foolishly assumed women in general to be the smarter of the sexes.

    I thank you for having the bravery to write about this topic and share your stories and thoughts with us, your audience. It’s always nice when you find out you are not alone.

    ✌😎
    Chris

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