(Full disclosure: I’m borrowing a fair amount of this entry from a similar one I posted on my Tumblr.)
For the sake of brevity, I’m going to use “butch*” to mean butches, bois, studs, dykes, genderqueers, genderfucks, etc. I do not, by any means, think these identities are the same (though of course they can overlap!), I am just attracted to the masculinity in all of them.
Note: This entry contains talk of porn, top/bottom dynamics, stone butch identity, and penetration. If you’re down with that, then read on, my friend. Read on.
I guess I might as well start at the beginning.
For some time, I had been trying to figure out why I like gay male porn so much more than lesbian or straight porn (to be fair, I never pay for porn, so my access to awesome, queer-positive lesbian porn is nonexistent). During my top surgery recovery period, when I had nothing else to do, I found myself looking at quite a bit of it. Specifically, the kind with fairly androgynous, non-hairy guys. It didn’t bother me that I liked it, but it did confuse me a bit. It made me pick my brain, trying to figure out what exactly it was about gay porn that struck a chord with me, with my sexuality.
And then it hit me: it was seeing two masculine people together that got me. I was interested in it because it was the closest thing to butch*-on-butch* sex that I could find. This revelation had something of a cascading effect, bringing all sorts of long-lost feelings to the surface.
It forced me to come face to face with a part of me that I had ignored, if not suppressed, for a really, really long time. The part of me that was really attracted to masculine, dominant butches*.
It was the part of me that still struggled with internalized misogyny and homophobia. It was the part of me that refused to acknowledge that I might be a sub and a bottom, because I couldn’t stand the idea of outsiders seeing me as “the girl” in a relationship. Before top surgery, my fear of being seen that way triggered so much dysphoria that I just couldn’t deal with it. I know, and knew, of course, that there is no “boy” and “girl” in a lesbian relationship, but I still couldn’t deal with people outside the queer community categorizing me that way. I just couldn’t. Not after I had fought so fucking hard to have my masculinity and my butchness recognized.
I just wasn’t in a place where I could deal with all of those feelings, so I suppressed them instead, often not even realizing that I was doing so. I had also convinced myself that my stone butch identity completely precluded me from ever being a bottom. In other words, I found all sorts of ways to rationalize my refusal to acknowledge that I might be a butch fag bottom.
And then… surgery happened. All of that dysphoria, that was once so relentless and unforgiving, faded into the background of my life. Things changed. My self-confidence drastically increased, as did my sense of peace with who I am as a person. My masculinity no longer felt threatened by the idea of being submissive and a bottom. My masculinity just became more… organic, more intrinsic, more solidified.
Suddenly, the idea of being a butch bottom wasn’t so threatening after all.
Surgery also changed my sexual relationship with my body, and I found myself identifying with the stone butch identity less and less as time passed. This opened up a whole new world for me, in terms of exploring my sexuality. Granted, penetration is still a bit of a complicated subject for me, but I’ve been very happy (and relieved, honestly) to discover that there are ways in which I can enjoy it.
And those ways definitely involve a butch* top.
Now, at face value, all of these revelations were just about my sexuality. And it seemed like that was that, at first. In fact, I even brought these things up with my girlfriend at the time, a wonderful femme woman (we had always been very open about these things, something I cherished about our relationship). But as time progressed and that relationship ended, I realized that there was more to my interest in butches than the desire to try something new sexually. I realized that, when it came down to it, I’m kind of just a “butchfag bottom at heart”, if you will. That is, the idea of being taken out and romanced by a butch* makes my heart skip a beat. The idea of being held by a butch makes my heart do things that I thought it stopped doing back in middle school. When it comes down to it, I realize that it’s what I’ve always really wanted.
It just took me a hell of a long time to figure it out.