Top Surgery, Disclosure, Dating

I had top surgery in May.  I’m not male identified, I’m just a butch who struggled with gender dysphoria.  If you want more discussion of my experience with top surgery, you’re welcome to check out my Tumblr.

Due to a recent breakup, I’m not ready to get back into the dating scene yet.  When I do, however, I’m not entirely sure how to handle the issue of disclosure.  I’m not really sure when I should disclose, or how.  Do I say outright “Oh, and by the way, I’ve had top surgery” or something simpler like “Just fyi, I’m pretty flat-chested. Hope that’s not a problem!”?  I just don’t know.

One of the biggest insecurities I’ve had to battle over the years is the fear that I will just be too complicated for anyone, that I’m just always going to be too butch, too genderqueer, too feminist, too involved in social justice issues, etc.  It’s a fear that no one will ever really appreciate qualities that I hold near and dear to my heart– a fear that, at best, they will just tolerate them.

And you know what?  I don’t fucking want tolerance.  I can accept tolerance from my parents, who I know may just never evolve past that point.  But not in a partner.  Not in someone who’s supposed to love me for who I am, not in spite of it.

So, here’s my public proclamation to accept nothing short of the appreciation I deserve from this point forward.


About butchonbutch

A 20-something year old butch who has recently come to terms with their attraction to other butches (and studs and tomboys and androgynous dykes). I'll be discussing my experiences in the world of butch on butch dating, love, and sex. If you want to know more about me, click the "About" tab at the top of the page.

Posted on November 2, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Good for you, I’m glad you have the courage to be yourself. Maybe you’ll meet someone and have decent long conversations before you hook up and then you’ll both KNOW you want to be together.

    • Hey, thank you! Yes, that is definitely my hope. I’ve found that one night stands are often just not practical for me, certainly not in the naive-about-gender-issues lesbian community here. I pretty much need to have a neutral environment where I can be honest about my feelings and boundaries before getting sexually involved with someone (or romantically involved, of course).

      Thanks for the comment. 🙂

  2. Good for you, kid.* It takes lots of people much longer than it has taken you to figure out they should accept nothing less than love from the people they give access to their lives. I think as more people like us emerge (people outside of traditional gender binary roles) there will be more people interested in us for long term partners. Sure, some people will fetishize us, and some people will be disgusted by us. But there are a lot of people out there who will love us. So don’t settle–love yourself, spend time developing your personality and making yourself into someone worth loving–and the right one will come along sure enough.


    *I call everyone kid. No disrespect, the term is meant as just a friendly pat on the back via the internet.

  3. I think it’s great that butches with butch womyn are finally speaking up. I have always had a thing for very masculine women since I was very young and have been so shot down because it felt like all they wanted was femmes. I am considering breast reduction because I put on weight and have been losing it quite well but it has all stayed in my boobs and I really miss my boyish 34B size top. Knowing what you want is the first pre-req for getting it and a more fulfilled life.

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